BBC Writersroom Feedback

I received my feedback from the BBC writersroom this week - exactly 4 months to the day I sent my script "Sally Davies Vs. The Animal Kingdom" a children's fantasy drama intended for CBBC to them.

I'd already had the opportunity to submit it as part of last year's commissioning round via a Manchester production company who liked it and thought it stood a chance - but sadly it wasn't to be. You can read the feedback from that session here. Channel 4 also passed on this well over a year ago too. I don't mind though, I'm just happy to have had the opportunity to even have it read by industry professionals - and it was my first full script, so can't be too precious about it.

So, the writersroom - it's a wonderful service, and although the bar is set really high for scripts and writers they want to develop, it is still worth sending a script through to them. I was hoping I would at least get something back from them rather than just a "sorry, we didn't get past the first ten pages, ta ta" reply - so I was pleased to see two pages of notes waiting for me.

Since it might be helpful to fellow bloggers hoping to enter the CBBC Writing Competition, I've decided to abandon all shame and reprint those notes in full. As usual, feel free to laugh and point.

A bit of background on Sally before I let you know what the reader had to say. Here's part of the one page treatment I also sent over:

For the last 7 years of her life, 14 year old Sally Davies has been terrorised and traumatised by any animal that crosses her path – but Sally's world is about to be turned upside down.

On her first day at her new school, she has friends to make and boys to impress – but Sally isn't counting on meeting a whole army of animals that want to have a word – literally – and they've suddenly decided that Sally is their saviour. But how exactly are the animals able to talk to her?

Is she an experiment? An evolutionary sidestep? A superhero? Sally wants answers.

Who controls the mysterious Millbrook Sciences? What are the sinister Gallows twins whispering about? Can she trust her new friends with her secret? How can Sally save the world? Let battle commence!

I named Sally after Steven Moffat's Sally Sparrow, and the Davies is after Russell T. Fact Fans.

Okay, here's the feedback:

Thank you for sending us your script, Sally Davies Vs The Animal Kingdom to BBC Writersroom, which we have now read. I'm afraid we have decided not to take things further with you on the basis of this script, and so we are returning it to you. It is worth noting that only a relatively small proportion of the scripts we receive are given feedback and I include below our script reader's comments, which I hope you will find useful:

The children's audience is both demanding and specific with expectations which need to be swiftly satisfied. As such, the world being presented, its characters and rules need to be clear as well as engaging. What is appealing about this idea is its focus on the natural world and Sally's place within it through her relationship with animals. And the idea of a child with a fear of animals she must overcome provides a fresh aspect.

In both form and format, there are some points to consider. The script reads as if the target audience may be around eight or nine years old in which case the length of episodes may be too long and aiming for twenty to thirty minutes may be a more realistic length. The set up is quite extended and could be communicated in a fraction of the time. The voiceover technique, coupled with the flashback slows down the narrative and provides back story rather than being plot or narrative progressive. In terms of communicating Sally's fear of animals this could be achieved more effectively by showing Sally's fear of animals in the present. Sally's call to adventure is when the animals approach her and reveal they don't hate her but need her help. This is when the story should ideally begin.

Once this is established what is the specific danger Sally and the animals are faced with which leads Sally to decide to face her fears and help them? Although the script suggests and ecological disaster, it feels remote and unlikely to be something Sally, and by extension, the audience would respond to. Is there a way to make it feel more personal and relatable?

It would also be worth considering self contained stories for each episode. The series need to hook the target audience quickly, their attention span and willingness to follow the serial elements will not be the same as an adult audience. For example looking at the ongoing conspiracy storyline, what would the willingness and ability of a young audience to follow this at its current pace over an extended period? This leads to a further point that the stories within the script feel as if they are competing for space, for example the people secretly following Sally, the story with the twins, the story with the animals.

It may be wiser to focus on one main story, being Sally's relationship with the animals and one or two minor stories per episode and possibly one story over the series arc.

With regards to the characters, Sally could be stronger and more dynamic. Considering the title of the piece it may be an idea to create several significant animal characters for her to engage with. What if the twins were animals intent on sabotaging Sally's efforts when she decides to help the other animals? Either way, the animals need to have a much stronger and compelling presence within the stories as they feel incidental.

Something the script doesn't fully address is the form and style. With most of the characters being non human is this live action or animation? This is an important consideration as it dictates the visual impression of the overall narrative as well as the possibilities or limitations in terms or the stories told and clarifies the target audience.

The script contains the kernels of an interesting idea but at its current stage feels there are still significant creative decisions about the character, their world and their stories to be made.

We would like to wish you the best of luck with your writing.

So, that is that. I happen to agree with pretty much all of what the reader comments on, so can't grumble really. It is interesting to note the difference between this feedback and all the feedback from my various PO3 readers, producers and friends - its less about little specific things, like a bit of naff dialogue, or changing the order of scenes, and more a general overview about the wider problems about the script.

When I was writing Sally, I think I always had in my mind a realistic budget (of sorts) and thought it would be better to write it with a sense about what I thought it was reasonably possible to put on the screen. I think this might have been my downfall, as it stopped me from putting too many animal characters in (so, less CGI or animatronics) and led me to focus more on the children and their journey.

One big script no no also found its way in there, voice over narrative and flashback (I know, I know - if I could go back and warn younger Paul...), and that is something I wouldn't ever consider ever again.

I think the lesson I've learnt from this, and if I am able to offer any advice to fellow aspiring children's telly writers, is to get into your story really quickly - use every shortcut there is - simplify, and simplify. 

My problem was wanting to write something complex, like Lost, but for children - and realistically, they're not going to be looking for clues and layers of subtext like us adults. I think somewhere along the way, I forgot who my intended audience was, and wrote too old.

So, it's back to writing my next children's TV script - Hawkington High - a fantasy drama with themes of metaphysics and existentialism...